Thursday, January 12, 2006

TayWatch

Super psuedo-assassin and international man of mystery Paul Tay, the guy who really rather just want to piss you off instead of shooting you, filed as a candidate for Tulsa Mayor.

From wiretap records by Stink Investigations, Tay is intent on outburning Burns, outjennering Jenner, outfoxing BikerFox, and outweirding Austin.

Keep your cameras handy this election season, especially while driving. Pix safe, people. Don't try to take a picture while you are driving with your other hand. That's SOOOO wrong! Drive ahead of him, pull off into a driveway before taking the pix. You will get a much clearer shot. Tip him well. The guy is burning lots of hot tamales and cooking up massive doses of 'dorphs. He'll pose for a special shot.

Here are the prizes for your Tay pix:
Catch him picking his nose: $1
Spitting: $2
Doing a mean guitar riff at a traffic light: $5
Waving an American flag or airing out his armpits while bicycling: $7
Getting a lap dance at Night Trips: $15
Snorting cocaine: $5,000
Smoking dope: $5,000
Posing naked: $5
Panhandling: $1
Reading someone's palm: $1
Towing a six-foot inflatable replica of the male genitalia on his bicycle: $1
Throwing candy into a moving vehicle: $1
Annoying people on the Internet: $1
Having sex with a Tulsa MILF: $59,000 (Ha! We know this will never happen!)
Crashing into the back of a Tulsa Transit bus: PRICELESS!

If he doesn't get arrested on a bogus charge (Prize for the pix: $1), the elections will be more entertaining than Survivor, Howard Stern, and Carrie Underwear put together.

WE WANT YOUR TAY PIX....NOW!!!

UPDATE: 22 January 2006--Intercepted letter from Paul Tay To Don McCorkell. (Chief POP note: To intercept this letter, Stink Investigations pummelled the courier to a half-eaten pulp. We are quite appalled by Stink's actions, however, we support their right to pummel anyone they like, as long as it's not me.)

Dear Don:
Thank you for your kind letter seeking my support for your proposals to enact "tough new ethics laws" for Tulsa. My humble apologies in advance for overlooking the minutea of governing in favor of my grand plans to make Tulsa the number one tourist attraction for young professionals, out-bricking Bricktown, and out-weirding Austin, Texas.

I hope you will accept the position of Vice-Mayor overseeing lobbyists, enforcing the ethics laws, and making the Mayor's Report to the City Council, in my absences, which I promise will be few and far between my regularly scheduled Thursday night Mayor's Bike Ride with Student Council presidents of Tulsa's high schools. I promise you needn't miss your happy hour at Baxter's too often.

In the meantime, I shall release an announcement to conceptually support your proposals for "tough new ethics laws," if you announce you will obey TRO 51 3102.16, keeping your campaign signs off the public rights-of-way. Though yours look better than Medlock's, signs on the public rights-of-way are "public nuisances endangering public safety."

For the full support of your proposals, I will look for the opinions of Tulsa's Axis of Analysis, the highly esteemed firm of Bates Arnett DelGiornio. Again, my apologies for not having enough brain cells to develop a more comprehensive opinion of the "tough new ethics laws" for Tulsa voters.

Sincerely,
(signed)
Paul C Tay

P.S. Gung Hay Fat Choy!!