Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Art of Politics: Un-Dressed For Success

Inspired by a life drawing class, at Philbrook Art Museum in Tulsa, Oklahoma, the Art of Politics: Un-Dressed For Success is a Mayoral debate. The format is modelled after The McLaughlin's Group, in which the Mayoral candidates, who have nothing to hide, debate the issues of major importance to all Tulsans.

How much would you pay to attend this Mayoral debate?

Monday, January 23, 2006

Clean Air Tip #8

Towering over the Sapulpa West Auto Auction, northbound I-35, Oklahoma City.

Too Close For Comfort

Copy on window sticker: WOOF My boxer is smarter than your honor student. Alternate copy: Your honor student is dumber than my dog. Got way too close, after jumping out of car to get the shot.
Copy on the window sticker: If you get any closer, I'll fart. Too wordy. How 'bout...STOP I FART. "STOP" enclosed in MUTCD standard stop sign.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Speed Nazi On Patrol





These dudes are our kind of Nazis! You go, guys! We tagged them on the 41st Street overpass of the BA. Yeaaaaah baby! Slow down, you out-of-town niggaaaas, or, you be busted! Tulsa loves our Speed Nazis!

From scanner reports, there was also a whole shitload of Speed Nazis parked at the former site of QuikTrip, 51st and Lewis, dinging vehicles with zip guns and busting a whole shitload of speeders on the Skelly.

Our roving reporter didn't get a good pix, because he was speeding. (Chief POP: You sonofabitch, you know who you are. Don't lie to me, asshole. Your car was tagged with GPS, dumbass. Like I am gonna let you use the company vehicle without blackboxing it. You are lucky they didn't ding you with the fucking ticket. I'll fire your ass, after I kick you in the shins. And, stay out of my face for 3 days. You come near me and I WILL fuck you up. And, no, I am not paying you. Dipshit.)

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Hammer Time!!!

BikerFox, WE LOVE YOU!!! You are killing us everytime we visit. The score: BikerFox--2, Paul Tay--Zippo!

Friday, January 13, 2006

Who Wants To Assassinate Paul Tay?

The village idiot extraordinaire, the guy even the Oklahoma ACLU hates, the guy who pissed off half of Tulsa with a big dick, super pseudo-assassin Paul Tay is on the TIG hit list. Yes, that's right. No joke.

The TIG Chief POP is offering $1 million for the pix proving the assassination of Paul Tay, currently a candidate for Mayor of Tulsa 2006. The dirty deed can be accomplished in any way the assassin chooses. Gunshot, run him over with a car or truck, whatever the assassin thinks the most efficient.

Think about this: If someone assassinates Paul Tay, would the Tulsa Police even care? Probably the most efficient way to assassinate Paul Tay is to just run him over with your car or truck. The law is on the side of the motor vehicle driver in cases where death or major injury occurs to the bicycle driver. After all, the bicycle driver deserved it. He/she should not have been on the roadway and in traffic.

Of course, you can always get creative. And, why not? This is supposed to be a fun contest, right? Wave a $100 bill at him. Lure him onto a side street. And, then, let him have it with the 357. Yeah, baby!

That's right, people. Calling all assassins worldwide. $1 million cash prize into a secret Swiss account, if you can prove you assassinated Paul Tay. Nobody likes a mad chinaman with a big dick. If your whack his mother in the process, we'll throw in another 50 bucks.

E your pix to tulsaindygazetter (at) yahoo (dot) com. The deadline for the assassination contest is 4 April 2006. Contest void where prohibited. Only Paul Tay of Tulsa, Oklahoma qualifies as the assassination victim.

Disclaimer to law enforcement: The above post is intended to be satire, not really a solicitation for murder. We hope you can appreacite the gallow humor that is not meant to be taken seriously by anyone, except for the severely mentally deranged, who really have no business on Tulsa streets anyways. No, Paul, you are not severely mentally deranged, maybe mentally challenged, but, not deranged. Did you have a lobotomy? We really love you! We really do. Let's have lunch sometime. NOT! You are such a mutherfucking sonofabitch, a worthless mad chinaman with a big dick, to boot. You are proof positive why intelligent design is a scam. Blaaaaaaaaaa! TIG salutes you with our collective middle finger, Niggaaaaa!

Intercepted Letter From Paul Tay

Intercepted by Stink Investigations:

RE: Gift From The City of Tulsa

Today, 12 January 2006, is truly a historic day for bicycle drivers in Oklahoma! In Tulsa Municipal Court, Division II, Judge Hofmeister upheld the violation, Speed Too Slow, Impeding Traffic, TRO 37 622. Against a driver operating a bicycle! City of Tulsa Municipal Court Case Number 5247215.

As some of you might know, a similar case was tried in Ohio, Trotwood v Selz.

Now Oklahoma will have its own Trotwood! Here are the facts of the case:

On the morning of 12 December 2005, 0835, the Defendant, me, Paul C. Tay, was driving a bicycle on the shoulder of the Broken Arrow Expressway, Highway 64/51, going westbound.

Defendent was stopped by officers of the Tulsa Police Department. They issued a ticket charging the Defendent with "speed too slow, impeding traffic." TRO 37 622.

In the non-jury trial, City argued that since bicycles can't go 35 miles, the posted mimimum speed, the charge should stand.

The Defendent cited TRO 37 1000, the City of Tulsa Ordinance defining bicycles: Every person operating a bicycle in the City of Tulsa shall be subject to the provisions of this title applicable to the driver of a vehicle, except as to those provisions which by their very nature can have no application.

I also cited OS 47 11-313, the State of Oklahoma Statute allowing municipalities to prohibit bicycles from controlled access roadways only when a prohibitory sign has been posted.

Tulsa Police officers testified no prohibitory signage existed and it was their intent to prohibit bicycles from the Broken Arrow Expressway, if bicycles do not maintain the minimum speed of 35 miles per hour.

CLASSIC Trotwood v. Selz!

I am preparing the "Notice of Intent to Appeal" to appeal the case to the Oklahoma Court of Criminal Appeals. If you believe that the use of the minimum speed law can be effectively used by law enforcement to prohibit bicycles from ANY roadway, I need your help.

The fee to obtain the court transcript: $150. The fee to transmit the instraments of appeal: $100. The fee to file the case with the Oklahoma Court of Criminal Appeals: $50. The fee for the attorney: I am afraid to ask. The right of travel by bicycle on any roadway, anytime: PRICELESS.

I will do whatever it takes, panhandle, collect aluminum cans, sell my left pinky, whatever, to bring this case in front of the Court of Criminal Appeals. If you can help with $$, writing the brief, or just moral support forwarding this email to justice-loving bicycle drivers everywhere, that would be so kewl.

If you want to be removed from the list to receive future updates of my bicycle adventures with Tulsa's finest, lemme know. I will be more than happy to remove your email from my list.

Thanks you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Paul Tay





Free Ride

Get a free ride home anytime, call 585-5571. A public service announcement provided courtesy of the Tulsa Indy Gazetter.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

TayWatch

Super psuedo-assassin and international man of mystery Paul Tay, the guy who really rather just want to piss you off instead of shooting you, filed as a candidate for Tulsa Mayor.

From wiretap records by Stink Investigations, Tay is intent on outburning Burns, outjennering Jenner, outfoxing BikerFox, and outweirding Austin.

Keep your cameras handy this election season, especially while driving. Pix safe, people. Don't try to take a picture while you are driving with your other hand. That's SOOOO wrong! Drive ahead of him, pull off into a driveway before taking the pix. You will get a much clearer shot. Tip him well. The guy is burning lots of hot tamales and cooking up massive doses of 'dorphs. He'll pose for a special shot.

Here are the prizes for your Tay pix:
Catch him picking his nose: $1
Spitting: $2
Doing a mean guitar riff at a traffic light: $5
Waving an American flag or airing out his armpits while bicycling: $7
Getting a lap dance at Night Trips: $15
Snorting cocaine: $5,000
Smoking dope: $5,000
Posing naked: $5
Panhandling: $1
Reading someone's palm: $1
Towing a six-foot inflatable replica of the male genitalia on his bicycle: $1
Throwing candy into a moving vehicle: $1
Annoying people on the Internet: $1
Having sex with a Tulsa MILF: $59,000 (Ha! We know this will never happen!)
Crashing into the back of a Tulsa Transit bus: PRICELESS!

If he doesn't get arrested on a bogus charge (Prize for the pix: $1), the elections will be more entertaining than Survivor, Howard Stern, and Carrie Underwear put together.

WE WANT YOUR TAY PIX....NOW!!!

UPDATE: 22 January 2006--Intercepted letter from Paul Tay To Don McCorkell. (Chief POP note: To intercept this letter, Stink Investigations pummelled the courier to a half-eaten pulp. We are quite appalled by Stink's actions, however, we support their right to pummel anyone they like, as long as it's not me.)

Dear Don:
Thank you for your kind letter seeking my support for your proposals to enact "tough new ethics laws" for Tulsa. My humble apologies in advance for overlooking the minutea of governing in favor of my grand plans to make Tulsa the number one tourist attraction for young professionals, out-bricking Bricktown, and out-weirding Austin, Texas.

I hope you will accept the position of Vice-Mayor overseeing lobbyists, enforcing the ethics laws, and making the Mayor's Report to the City Council, in my absences, which I promise will be few and far between my regularly scheduled Thursday night Mayor's Bike Ride with Student Council presidents of Tulsa's high schools. I promise you needn't miss your happy hour at Baxter's too often.

In the meantime, I shall release an announcement to conceptually support your proposals for "tough new ethics laws," if you announce you will obey TRO 51 3102.16, keeping your campaign signs off the public rights-of-way. Though yours look better than Medlock's, signs on the public rights-of-way are "public nuisances endangering public safety."

For the full support of your proposals, I will look for the opinions of Tulsa's Axis of Analysis, the highly esteemed firm of Bates Arnett DelGiornio. Again, my apologies for not having enough brain cells to develop a more comprehensive opinion of the "tough new ethics laws" for Tulsa voters.

Sincerely,
(signed)
Paul C Tay

P.S. Gung Hay Fat Choy!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Oscar and the Amazing Technicolor BATmobile Machine

The Art of Address
Cheesecakes Gone Wild
Cheesecake man and future movie star.
One bad-ass tat, Os!

Oscar makes a really mean hot chili paste. Mix three different types of peppers, a dash of balsamic, and dip of chardonnay. For the detail recipe, e tulsaindygazetter (at) yahoo (dot) com.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Confessions of a Leasing Agent

If you go to Tokyo, you get geishas. When you come to Tulsa, you will get some of the world's hottest, and we mean, really really hot, leasing agents. (Yes, we think the movie, "Memoirs of a Geisha," SUX!)

Recently, we sent a roving reporter, actually an over-pampered trust fund slacker, on a top secret mission to get first impressions of over 60 randomly selected monster apartment complexes in the Tulsa area.

If you are a single male heterosexual who travel regularly to Tulsa, sooner or later, you will visit one of the many monster apartment complexes. You know what will keep you: free everything, wi-fi, basic cable, maybe a fitness center, and of course, reasonable rent.

But, the real question is what will sell you to sign the 12-month contract. The answer are a really hot leasing agent, preferably female, who knows how to use her cleavage, big juicy, moist cookies, not some cheap-ass hockey pucks to break your front jaw bones, and warm aromatic java that never stops flowing from the big jug lovingly caressed by that really hot leasing agent.

Sorry, we are under some huge pressures from other projects for now. But, we promise to bring you the ratings, comments, and maybe even a naked picture, or two, of leasing agents from the secret mission to get the "Secret Confessions of a Leasing Agent."